So, I started therapy yesterday.
I wasn’t sure if I really needed it. But sometimes, you see or hear a sign telling you that it’s ok, this is the right thing to do. And that sign came to me a few weeks ago by way of a podcast. It was literally a podcast about mental health and the guest was a psychiatrist. He said the magical words I needed to hear:
You can go to therapy for any reason, even if you just need to talk to someone about the “regular” stuff you’re dealing with.
He said, and I’m paraphrasing, that a lot of people need to get into therapy just to talk about “regular” stuff, but because they think what they’re going through isn’t “deep”, they don’t do it. He said, it’s that regular stuff that sometimes pushes us to a point where we can’t handle it and it becomes more than just regular stuff. It becomes something that can’t be worked out alone.
I heard this and it was my sign to move forward with seeking help.
This year… I wanted this year to be awesome. I wanted to finally, FINALLY pick up the pieces of what was definitely feeling like a broken life. *sigh* I haven’t been 100% honest with you or myself. But I’ve been hurting a lot this year for so many reasons. Reasons that I wanted to share here, but I knew they were just too much for anyone to understand. Or maybe, you would understand, but you wouldn’t have anything to say and I know that makes people feel bad. Since the loss of our child, I have encountered a lot of friends that truly feel for us, but they don’t know what to say. And that was understandable as many of you have not lost a child. I get it.
I always get it. Trust me.
But now, I’m going through something that I knew I couldn’t fully share because it would be the same situation. However this time, I knew that if I shared, I would need feedback. I would need someone to say that they understood me AND could offer me more than, “I understand. You’ll be ok.” That’s fine sometimes, but this time, I knew I needed more.
The problem was keeping it all in and not being able to express myself fully in this space, as I’ve been able to do many times before. I don’t think you all understand how writing is really, truly my mental outlet. It’s what I do when I’m hurting, sad, happy, mad, etc, etc. I write, and for all intents and purposes, I consider myself a writer. I don’t have a damn thing published (yet), but I’m a writer. And when you’re like me, not being able to write my true feelings became mentally exhausting. I do have a physical journal, so I have been able to get those thoughts out. But as I said, it got to the point where I needed feedback.
So what brought me to therapy? What have I been holding in?
I put a little thing out on Instagram about having anxiety. If you follow me there, you may have seen it a few months back. But the fact of the matter is, I have it. I’ve always had it. It has ebbed and flowed over the years, but I have it and lately, it’s been skyrocketing. It’s to the point where it’s affecting my physical health.
I can fully function. I’m not afraid to leave the house. I’m not afraid of people. I’m not afraid of a particular thing. But I AM borderline terrified to do certain things in life that most people aren’t terrified to do. I AM anxious more often than not about a lot of things that most people don’t give a damn about. I don’t want to start listing all of these things. But because of my anxiety, I’ve needed to seek out a therapist to work on overcoming them.
My session was great! Of course, at this point, I don’t have any sort of diagnosis of the type of anxiety I have. But she did confirm something that I had thought about and that’s that I’m suffering from PTSD with re: to the loss of our child. That was absolutely refreshing for me to hear. She told me that a lot of people think that PTSD is designated only for someone that’s been to war. (In this day and age, that’s kind of how we typically hear about it, so it makes sense.) She told me that anyone can have post-traumatic stress from anything that was considered a traumatic situation.
She gave me some homework. I’m excited to work on this. And I’m excited to feel better. I’m excited to live again. Trust me when I say, I’ve felt so trapped inside my head and it has been beyond awful. But I’m praying that in 2018, I can start to break out and enjoy my life as I once did.
I know I’ve only had one session (and it was a REALLY good session), but if anyone out there is struggling with living life…doesn’t matter how small the struggle, seriously talk to someone! We are hearing more and more about mental health these days, but as that doctor said on the podcast I mentioned earlier, it’s ok to talk to someone even you have “regular” issues. I feel like my regular issues turned into more than I could handle and I’m so glad I’m finally getting help.
I’ll keep you guys posted. ❤