I mentioned in my last post about not feeling great this past year. Sadness really got the best of me at times. But it wasn’t just sadness, it was negative thinking. Everything that happened to me early last year and the few months before, got to me in the worse way. I really started down this dark road of questioning everything. The main question was, “Why me?”
If you’ve ever let “why me” questions pop into your head, then you know exactly what happens. It brings you “ALL the way down” (quite the contrary to Fat Joe & Remy Ma’s version of life). I got into a cycle of asking ‘why’ on a regular basis last year. I started questioning all of my past failures, like why didn’t I get the jobs I wanted? Why did I have to struggle to find work? Why didn’t anyone else have such a hard time like me? Then fast forward to the last year, I began questioning why I couldn’t become a parent. These why questions quickly turned into “what if” questions. What if I couldn’t have kids? What if I never worked again? What if I didn’t have a purpose in life? That last question got to me REAL bad. Like, I really started to think that I wasn’t here for any reason. Have you ever thought that way? Ugh, don’t. Just don’t ever think like that. You ARE here for a reason.
I know that the we shouldn’t ask those types of questions, but we ALL ask them! We’re human and imperfect. But we have to try our hardest to be positive and to avoid asking those types of questions. The past year, I felt so awful and the only thing that pulled me out of my funk was to pray. I have had the Bible app on/off my phone for the last couple of years. I put it on my phone again in March this past year and read it everyday. If you’re familiar with the app, then you know it has a large volume of devotional readings. You can pick any topic in the world: anger, fear, faith, worry, doubt…and it’ll give you a variety of readings devoted to that topic. I read and studied scripture through these devotionals. God’s Word saved my mind. At one point, I thought, maybe I need to go on some medication. I was THAT low. I just felt so hopeless. I’ve never felt this way before. It was frightening because I didn’t know if I would ever snap out of it. It was just…weird…and unsettling. So I prayed. And I read the Word. I have learned so much! It’s so funny because I’m a product of Catholic schools (1st thru 12th grades). In school, we had religion class every day. Naturally, we studied a variety of scripture each day. So of course, I learned the mainstream stories…Noah, Moses, Abraham, Lazarus, Jonah etc, etc. Outside of school, I attended Baptist church and Sunday school regularly. Therefore, I’ve always felt knowledgable about God and His Word. But God has shown me that there’s SO much I’ve never learned. I’m slowly learning just how deep God’s love is for me…for all of us. I’m learning what he wants from us and how he wants us to live. I feel like a new person. Well, I feel like I’m becoming a new person.
Another thing that helped me was exercise. In my last post, I mentioned essential oils as a device that has helped, but before that, I started exercising. That was the one thing last year that I able to stick to and focus on. I haven’t worked out that consistently in about three years. Working out was the greatest release for me! I would go to the gym and get in a zone. It helped me forget about all of the questions and just made me feel good. My mind felt free from worry, doubt and anxiety. Now, whenever I start feeling down (which still happens on occasion), I hit the gym. And as I’ve said, I began reading about and purchased some lavender essential oil. If you’re unfamiliar with lavender, please look it up. It is such a versatile oil. I used it mainly to help me get into a more restful sleep. With so much worry and anxiety on my mind, naturally I couldn’t get to sleep a lot of nights. The lavender oil has been beyond helpful! With prayer, exercise and the oil, I’m finally in a new place. I’m more happy, much more positive and just overall at ease again.
This year, I’m trying to get back into writing. I bought two journals at the end of the year: one to write whatever in and the other is a Christian journal with a writing prompt for each day of the year. I’m SO excited for both, as I’ve gotten away from journaling over the past few years. I used to journal almost daily and I think that’s part of the reason why my mind has been saturated with negativity. Writing has always helped me get my thoughts out of my head/off my chest. Writing is my safe place. I can say whatever I want without judgement. It feels good to get back to that regimen.
I mentioned before that I plan to share more on here this year (and beyond). Something in my heart has been saying, “Share more”. So I’m sharing more so that others don’t feel alone. Maybe my stories will help someone realize it’s ok to be flawed. It’s ok to have issues. It’s ok to struggle. Gosh, I feel like I’m the epitome of struggle! *lol* But seriously, I know that I’m not the only one that struggles. In fact, I know that my struggles pale in comparison to others! There are so many people out there going through worse troubles. My heart goes out to thems and I hope that God grants them the peace, strength, and courage they need to get keep going.
While I don’t know why I’m going through all of this, I now feel SO GOOD because I know God has great plans for me!!! I’m so excited about what’s to come and I thank Him for giving me this hope and showing me love! My days are far better than they were a year ago. Again, I’m not perfect. I still have some doubts & fears, but I have far more positive moments that push out the doubt, fear, anxiety, etc. I truly thank God. 🙂
Ok, I’ve rambled enough. Talk soon,