Writing Challenge 6: Sharing a Struggle

I was thinking about what to write and I sorta forgot I was doing a writing challenge. Oops. Sorry. I’m going to get back into it over the next few weeks. So today’s challenge comes from this list below. I’ll be writing about #10:

challenge

Share something you’re struggling with

Out of all these challenges, I don’t know why I’m choosing to share a struggle. It seems like I’ve been writing the most melancholy of posts lately. I apologize. When I’m feeling sad, I write. I rarely write when I’m happy, which is very weird. I know, I know. I think it’s just a way for me to get things out so it’s not weighing on my mind. I always feel 100 times better when I write my frustrations/pain/anger/sadness. So, bear with me. But when I saw this particular challenge, it made me happy. Again, weird, I know. Well, let me just stop rambling and get into it.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with finding my peace. I feel like I’ve been in this odd place…a blah place and I’ve been trying to get out. Taking the time each day to talk to God has helped me so much though, as it gives me peace to read about what God has in store for my life.

Have you ever just wanted to live life without thinking of the “what ifs”? What if I did this thing differently? What if I changed my decision about that? The what ifs list can go on and on. As a Christian, I know that what ifs come from an evil place. What ifs are nothing but negativity that cause you stress, worry and anxiety. Those things don’t come from God. He doesn’t want us to feel these things. If we have any worries, He wants us to come to Him and release our burdens onto Him. It feels amazing to me when I can do this, but it takes a lot of effort on my part. I’m such a worrier and for some reason, I can’t seem to get it in my head that if I just let go, I’ll be at peace.

I’ve never shared this (out loud), but for a long time after my sister passed from cancer, I blamed myself. I was with her at her time of death and I wished for a long time that I had responded to her pain sooner that day. I’ve carried this for a long time, but I’ve prayed a lot about it and have more peace today. God is still working on me to fully release my feelings, as I still think about it from time to time. That day “haunts” me, but I know that my sister is in a better place. In fact, (and take this however you wish), she has come to me a few times in my dreams. I say that she has come to me, rather than say I’ve dreamt of her because of how she has appeared to me. My sister went through a lot of pain and suffering in her final days, and she did not look like herself anymore. Whenever she comes to me, she appears just as she did before her illness. And she has reassured me that she’s ok and she’s very happy. I know that she is at peace, so that gives me peace.

Still, I relive that day in my mind sometimes and it hurts. Essentially, I think, “what if I had done….” and I replay things I could’ve done in my head over and over. But I believe, I did the right thing at the right time to get her the help she needed. Everything happened for a reason and I trust that God gave me the strength to handle everything accordingly. I don’t need to worry and stress about it anymore.

Finding peace is hard for me, but I’m working on it. I worry about so many things knowing that worrying doesn’t do anything to help the matter. And as a Christian, I know that worrying means I don’t trust God. There’s a saying I’ve been reading over and over that goes (paraphrasing): “You can worry or you can pray. You can’t do both.” It’s so true, as it makes no sense to pray about your problems, while continuing to worry about them, right? So I’ve been trying to do just that in order to have the peace that God wants me to have.

Are you trying to find your peace? What’s been keeping you from it?

I promise, the next writing challenge I do will be fun! 🙂

-t

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