This has been on my mind lately, so I thought I’d write a little about it.
I mentioned a few posts back (maybe several posts ago) that I hadn’t been setting goals like I used to. I used to dream a lot about the future and what I wanted to achieve in life. In the past few years, I’ve gotten inside my head too much, which sucks. I don’t know why…maybe it’s because I’m getting older? I don’t know, but it feels like I’m in a goal rut, which in turn feels like a growth rut. I’ve been working on it, but I’m a very analytical person. (Libras like to see all sides to a story or issue. It’s a blessing and a curse!)
Because of these feelings, I’ve been immersing myself in my spirituality. I think most of you know this, but I’m a Christian and was raised in both the Catholic and Baptist churches. I don’t attend either church these days. I’m not opposed to either, I just haven’t found the energy to find a new church home. Yes, sheer laziness. But, to me (and this has been my thinking for a long time), I feel like I can find God anywhere, at any time. He’s not just in church (surprise!) I have a post written about my faith and maybe one day I’ll get around to editing it to post it. In short, as a Christian, I immediately turn to God. Lately, I’ve been leaning a lot on scripture and understanding what God intends for my (our) life. It has been unbelievably helpful, but I still have thoughts and anxiety that lead me away from His teachings at times.
In order to really get to what I’ve been thinking lately, here’s an example of one of my more prominent thoughts:
— Have you ever wondered why you live the way you do, while other people suffer in the world? And perhaps these people aren’t “suffering”, but they clearly don’t have all of the modern day luxuries that we have in the U.S. I wonder this a lot, and maybe I need to stop. But it’s heartbreaking to me when I think about how exciting it will be to buy a home one day, when there are so many people living on the street (in the U.S. and in other countries). Like, how is this possible? How did I become so blessed and others are not? This thought makes me sick and I don’t know why I think about it so much. I feel like I’m not worthy of my life sometimes. It’s this type of question that brings me to a plethora of other thoughts…
-Where am I going in life?
-What have I been put on this Earth to do? What IS my purpose?
-What kind of legacy do I want to leave?
That’s where a lot of prayer comes in, as well as reading and listening to scripture (I follow a few ministers who I feel do a good job at teaching the Word). I feel much more calm and at peace when I seek and listen to God’s Word. But there are definitely times when I feel lost. I feel like my purpose isn’t coming to fruition.
I get excited about working on my new business, but then I have my doubts about it. I think it’s a great idea, but I wonder if others will. I feel good that I can help people, but I also wonder if that will make me truly feel like I have a purpose again. Or rather, I wonder if this business IS my purpose.
I’m sorry if this post isn’t making a lot of sense, I HAD a point when I started 🙂 But I just wanted to write this moreso because that’s what I’ve been feeling lately. One minute, I have a great goal and feel like, “Yes! I’ve got something here!”, to feeling very blah about it all. Like…what’s the point? This has been the story of my life for some months now and I’m SO over it! Like, I want to feel amazing again!!! 😦
On another random (and farrrr more happier) note… I’ve started hitting the gym regularly again! Yay! I’ve gained about 20lbs since November(?) I can’t remember, all I know is I’m not fitting into my jeans and shirts like I used to, so it was time to get back to work. I’m down 3lbs. Yay! I’ve been getting in cardio about 3 days a week and just started lifting again last night (my arms are hating me right now). I know once I really hit the weights, I’ll be in business for real! And of course, I’ve been paying more attention to my diet. I definitely slid too far down the path of donuts and other treats. As long as I workout, I can have treats. But can’t keep doing that and not moving each day. I started out in January, doing yoga (I did yoga everyday for a month last year and it was SO awesome). February, I started doing cardio twice a week. This month, I continued cardio (up to 3 days) and am finally implementing weights. It was tough… I haven’t worked out since last May! So the first time getting back to cardio was a s-t-r-u-g-g-l-e. Doing 15 minutes on the bike or treadmill was a CHORE when I started. But I kept at it and now I can stay for 30 minutes! YES! Feels SO good to get that stamina back. I bought new wireless headphones also, which helped. I hated trying to
run…haha…who am I kidding…. jog with that cord bouncing everywhere. UGH. I also ordered some new workout clothes from Old Navy (the Navy has the BEST workout gear for such a great price!) So I’m on it! #summeriscoming
Anyway… that’s all I got. Sorry I haven’t been blogging, but I’ve been on this blahhhh train for a while. It’s probably hormonal. In fact, looking at the calendar tells me that it’s most def the hormones right now! (TMI? Sorry, but we’re adults, right?) 🙂 But if any of you have been feeling blah lately (or in the past), share w/ me. What did you do to snap out of it? Have you ever had those, “What is life!?” moments like I do? How did you figure out how to get past the feelings and move on? Misery loves company, so share’em if ya got’em! 🙂
See ya next week, loves!