Disclaimer: I’ve been writing this one for weeks. WEEKS! This is actually the 3rd version, as I’ve written two others and just scrapped them. They weren’t saying what I really wanted to say. And I don’t know if this says what I really want to say, but it’s better than the others, so I’m going with it. And editing…I’ve edited the life out of this thing! If there are mistakes, charge it to my head because I’ve literally reread this thing more times than I’d like to admit! Just know, the errors hurt me WAY more than they could ever hurt you! LOL! #ExEnglishMajor #FormerSpellingBeeChamp #badgrammarandspellinghurtsmyheart #iLoveWriting ❤
As much as I would like to, I can’t hide. Well, at least not for the rest of my life.
The other day, I deactivated my Facebook account. Why? Honestly, there are just too many reminders of my loss. As much as I love my friends and am happy for their new babies/growing babies, I just can’t stand to be reminded (at this moment) of the fact that I’ve lost mine.
But I can’t hide. Children are everywhere, and they’ll continue to be everywhere. At this point in my life, I have to count who doesn’t have children than who does. Every year, the number of people in my life that have children continues to grow. So I can’t hide forever. Inevitably, I’ll have to come into contact with those friends (because, hello!, we’re friends) and I’ll have to see their children. It’s life and I can’t hide from life.
I mentioned in my last post, that I’m reading this Christian book about losing a child via miscarriage or stillbirth. In the book, the writer shares the stories of her own losses (3 miscarriages), as well as the stories of friends that have lost babies. Some of the women have tried multiple times (or even for years) to conceive. It’s heart-wrenching to read at times, and it certainly brings up my own ongoing emotions from my loss. However, the book discusses how God is always with us, even through times of loss. The writer shares how even though she has gone through 3 losses, she is still thankful and still trusts in God’s plan. I’m more than halfway through the book, but I can say that it definitely brings me hope. And, just like one woman’s story, I have to remember to put God first. Having a child would be wonderful, but it shouldn’t be my number one concern. Thinking about it now, I feel as though I may have made it a huge part of my/our life’s plan. (This is not to say that I’m blaming myself for our loss.) But God is always first. And if that is true in my life, then surely wonderful things will follow. 🙂
On another note, the book had me in awe thinking about how many women struggle to conceive. And as they struggle, they’re surrounded by other women in (and out of) their lives who are (seemingly) having no problems conceiving! Of course, I understand it completely now. Seriously, everywhere I go there are babies. And clearly, there’s something in the water because there are pregnant women everywhere. EVERYWHERE!! And those are just the people that I don’t know. Enter Facebook. Can we say, “surrounded“? Can we say, “nowhere to run?”
Social media makes it hard to go through any difficult situation, to be honest. It’s not just pictures of children that can make someone like me get emotional. I think of people who have lost other loved ones. I have a few friends that have lost their moms in the past 5-6 years and every Mother’s Day, I think about it after the fact. Like, “Damn, why did I post my pictures?” And then I think, wow their timelines must be filled with similar pics. I feel awful, ya know? And NOW…I think back to my own posts announcing our child. I’m like, wow, I could’ve contributed to someone’s pain. It just makes me think twice now. It’s not to say we can’t share our wonderful moments, rather it’s about HOW we’re sharing. Are we sharing a few, special moments? Or are we sharing too many to the point of it being nauseating, and frankly, unnecessary?
Being on social media can be tough in general though, when you’re going through a hard time of any sort. Whether you’ve lost your job or are struggling in another part of your life, being inundated with folks who seemingly have it all (great job, money, family, etc), can be hard to look at. But it’s like I said, we really can’t hide. We can hide/leave FB (Instagram, Twitter, etc), but we can’t leave our lives. We can’t stay locked inside of our homes and avoid it all. That’s not the way to live. All of us who are struggling, we eventually get better. We eventually become strong enough to handle all of the emotional triggers and move on. That should be the goal, anyway. 🙂
Folks, there are so many things I’m learning from my experience and from similar experiences of others, I could keep writing! But I’ll spare you the details for now. Enjoy the weekend ❤