I realized the other day that I stopped dreaming. Not completely, but for the most part, I haven’t really been having my typical dreams of what I want in life. Ya know, life is a little sad when you stop dreaming. And this doesn’t have anything to do with what has happened in my life recently. I realized that even before the pregnancy, I haven’t been dreaming and setting goals.
So lately, I’ve been trying to push myself to work more on my business goals. I’ve been working on my educational business for a while now and I still want to get it up this year. But…I lose focus. I’m either having a sad moment about Ava. Or I start doubting if I can get this business going at all. And even more recently, I’ve been dealing with anxiety. I haven’t ever, ever talked about my anxiety, except I’ve kinda alluded to it in a post about how I worry. Well, my worry sometimes turns into more than just mere worry. One day I’ll share more about it, but for now, I’m just trying to push forward.
In other news…
Thanksgiving was great! We spent it with one of my friends (and sorority sister) that I’ve known for several years. Her parents (whom I’ve met before when I lived in DC) invited us to their home for dinner. It was such a good time. Food was delicious (we had FRIED TURKEY!!!) and it was just a laid back atmosphere. They typically have a small crowd for their Thanksgivings, usually just her parents, her sister and her brother-in-law. We did have other invitations for dinner (THANK YOU!!), but I wanted…needed…to be in a familiar environment this year.
I feel 100% back to myself physically. I’m still monitoring my blood pressure daily. It’s been awesome. It’s been normal and hasn’t gone to hypertensive levels for a few weeks now. Therefore, I haven’t had any medication since I’ve been out of the hospital! (yay!!) I have an appointment with my OB for my postpartum exam next week. Hopefully all is well and I can officially be off my meds and free from going to doctors for a while.
Next year, I’m going to have my fibroids removed. We do wish to try for a child again, so I’m going to get them removed. Over my pregnancy, two of my fibroids nearly doubled in size. It definitely was something I knew could happen before pregnancy, but because fibroids have a mind of their own, I just prayed they wouldn’t grow too large. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. My “team” of doctors didn’t feel the fibroids caused any of the problems I had with the pregnancy, but feel it’s a good idea to get them removed before we try again. So that’s what I’m going to do. But I’m giving myself a few months, because after my experience in the hospital, I don’t want to see the inside of one for a WHILE! 🙂
Once I have the surgery, I’m leaving everything to God. If it’s meant for us to have a child, then it’ll happen. I feel like I need to step back and not plan so heavily. Every single time in my life when I try to incessantly plan everything (down to every detail–I’m very detail-oriented), it never turns out the way I want it. Sometimes my plans don’t even happen! But when I step back and let God handle it, He always reveals something amazing to me. I have so many testimonies to this, yet for some reason, I always go back to trying to do everything myself. Thankfully, He knows this about me! 🙂 I know that everything that has happened to us has been for a reason. I don’t know all of the reasons, but something keeps telling me that I need to learn to step back. So that’s what I’m going to do.
Finally, I’m reading a wonderful book called, “Hope for Today, Promises for Tomorrow: Finding Light Beyond the Shadow of Miscarriage or Infant Loss”. Thank you to my friend for sending this to me. It’s been a little hard to get through, as it causes me to reflect upon my loss. But it’s been so eye-opening! It’s purpose is to remind you of God’s love, promise and purpose during the difficult time of losing a child. It’s a wonderful, much needed book for me right now. Many thanks to my friend, LC. Your love and support has been overwhelming in the greatest way!!
Well folks, that’s all I have today. I’m writing lots of drafts, with the hopes of getting back on my normal schedule (Mon & Thurs). I will say, some of my drafts are very real. That’s all I can say. It’s real talk, where I share real feelings and thoughts. I’m not trying to come from a mean place with these thoughts, rather I’m sharing about the place that I’m trying to get through. I think that it will open some eyes/minds about the struggle women like myself go through.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for the love. ❤