Dreams.

I realized the other day that I stopped dreaming. Not completely, but for the most part, I haven’t really been having my typical dreams of what I want in life. Ya know, life is a little sad when you stop dreaming. And this doesn’t have anything to do with what has happened in my life recently. I realized that even before the pregnancy, I haven’t been dreaming and setting goals.

So lately, I’ve been trying to push myself to work more on my business goals. I’ve been working on my educational business for a while now and I still want to get it up this year. But…I lose focus. I’m either having a sad moment about Ava. Or I start doubting if I can get this business going at all. And even more recently, I’ve been dealing with anxiety. I haven’t ever, ever talked about my anxiety, except I’ve kinda alluded to it in a post about how I worry. Well, my worry sometimes turns into more than just mere worry. One day I’ll share more about it, but for now, I’m just trying to push forward.

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In other news…

Thanksgiving was great! We spent it with one of my friends (and sorority sister) that I’ve known for several years. Her parents (whom I’ve met before when I lived in DC) invited us to their home for dinner. It was such a good time. Food was delicious (we had FRIED TURKEY!!!) and it was just a laid back atmosphere. They typically have a small crowd for their Thanksgivings, usually just her parents, her sister and her brother-in-law. We did have other invitations for dinner (THANK YOU!!), but I wanted…needed…to be in a familiar environment this year.

I feel 100% back to myself physically. I’m still monitoring my blood pressure daily. It’s been awesome. It’s been normal and hasn’t gone to hypertensive levels for a few weeks now. Therefore, I haven’t had any medication since I’ve been out of the hospital! (yay!!) I have an appointment with my OB for my postpartum exam next week. Hopefully all is well and I can officially be off my meds and free from going to doctors for a while.

Next year, I’m going to have my fibroids removed. We do wish to try for a child again, so I’m going to get them removed. Over my pregnancy, two of my fibroids nearly doubled in size. It definitely was something I knew could happen before pregnancy, but because fibroids have a mind of their own, I just prayed they wouldn’t grow too large. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. My “team” of doctors didn’t feel the fibroids caused any of the problems I had with the pregnancy, but feel it’s a good idea to get them removed before we try again. So that’s what I’m going to do. But I’m giving myself a few months, because after my experience in the hospital, I don’t want to see the inside of one for a WHILE! 🙂

Once I have the surgery, I’m leaving everything to God. If it’s meant for us to have a child, then it’ll happen. I feel like I need to step back and not plan so heavily. Every single time in my life when I try to incessantly plan everything (down to every detail–I’m very detail-oriented), it never turns out the way I want it. Sometimes my plans don’t even happen! But when I step back and let God handle it, He always reveals something amazing to me. I have so many testimonies to this, yet for some reason, I always go back to trying to do everything myself. Thankfully, He knows this about me! 🙂 I know that everything that has happened to us has been for a reason. I don’t know all of the reasons, but something keeps telling me that I need to learn to step back. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Finally, I’m reading a wonderful book called, “Hope for Today, Promises for Tomorrow: Finding Light Beyond the Shadow of Miscarriage or Infant Loss”. Thank you to my friend for sending this to me. It’s been a little hard to get through, as it causes me to reflect upon my loss. But it’s been so eye-opening! It’s purpose is to remind you of God’s love, promise and purpose during the difficult time of losing a child. It’s a wonderful, much needed book for me right now. Many thanks to my friend, LC. Your love and support has been overwhelming in the greatest way!!

Well folks, that’s all I have today. I’m writing lots of drafts, with the hopes of getting back on my normal schedule (Mon & Thurs). I will say, some of my drafts are very real. That’s all I can say. It’s real talk, where I share real feelings and thoughts. I’m not trying to come from a mean place with these thoughts, rather I’m sharing about the place that I’m trying to get through. I think that it will open some eyes/minds about the struggle women like myself go through.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for the love. ❤

xoxo,

t

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