Where Do I Begin?

*sigh*

I didn’t know if this was going to be a post I’d write. Rather, I didn’t know if this was a post I *could* write. This is going to be tough. I’m going to cry as I write. But I know that in the end, I’m going to feel better.

I can’t believe it’s already been two weeks. I guess that’s time for ya.

Two weeks ago, my husband and I lost our child. Our daughter. Our Ava. It’s unbelievable. I still can’t believe it. I’ll probably feel this way for a long time. Maybe forever. I don’t know. I’ve lost two siblings and I still can’t believe they’re not here. I can only assume I will feel this way about my daughter.

I don’t know if I can go over the details of everything. I’ve explained it so many times already. But I don’t want to leave you all wondering. So, I’ll give you the abridged version. Maybe I’ll come back here one day and amend this to the longer version.

Two weeks ago, I went in for a 2nd ultrasound (u/s). My OB/Gyn ordered this because the initial u/s (aka the anatomy scan/find out the sex of the baby), said my due date was two weeks off. My doc was confused by this and ordered another u/s as a 2nd opinion, if you will.

I went to the hospital for this u/s and when called back to get my vitals (temperature, blood pressure, etc), we (the nurse and I) discovered my blood pressure (BP) was through the roof! Like, dangerously high. She took me to a room and had me lay down for a little bit and then took the BP again. It was still high…not as high, but high. I soon went in for the u/s. Then after a 10 min wait, went to talk to the doc. This was an OB that dealt with high risk pregnancies. I’m a high risk pregnancy because a) I’m over 35 and b) I have multiple fibroids.

The talk we had was not good. She said I had preeclampsia. If you aren’t familiar, it’s a pregnancy disease. It’s very bad for both mother and baby. The only way to get rid of (cure) preeclampsia, is for the mom to deliver the baby. In my case, it was difficult because Ava was only 22 weeks along. She wasn’t old enough yet to survive outside my body. Babies can (with lots of medical intervention) survive outside the body if they can get to at least 24 weeks along. But in my case, I discovered that I couldn’t give her 2 more weeks. In fact, I learned that she actually wasn’t 22 weeks. She was more like 18 weeks old. She wasn’t growing (because of the preeclampsia). And she wasn’t going to grow much more either in the technically 6 weeks she needed to survive outside my body.

I know, this is complicated. It gets even more so because of all the things that were happening with MY body. Things that I didn’t even feel because I just didn’t feel them. My body was starting to take a big hit because of the preeclampsia and doctors (more got involved) encouraged us that was it was best to terminate the pregnancy. Yes. They used “terminate” because…Ava wasn’t going to survive and there wasn’t anything they could do to help her because she was just too small. They could’ve helped her if she was at least 24 weeks, but remember, she was only 18 weeks. Based on what the doctors told me about my health, I couldn’t give her those weeks.

So, we made the very difficult decision to let our baby girl go.

After I gave birth, I got to hold her. They cleaned her up and put her in the most adorable tiny knit hat and dress. And wrapped her in the tiniest pink blanket. It was perfect. And she was perfect. Oh my God, I wish you guys could’ve seen her. She had my husband’s nose. She was just the most adorable, perfect little baby.

The hospital put together a memory box, with pictures, a tiny name bracelet and a host of other things. They also gave us her tiny hat and dress when we had to finally say good-bye to her. It was very sweet and I will treasure it always.

There’s a lot more to this story that I’m leaving out, but like I said, I’ll get to it one day I’m sure. Essentially, I had to stay in the hospital for a week. Then, I had to return for almost another week. I’ve been through it, ya’ll. I’m a pretty healthy person, so this has been such a trial for me. The only thing that has gotten me through it is God. I just thank Him for allowing me to still be here and for giving me the strength and courage to persevere. It’s been a tough road, but I’m praying each day that I continue to get better.

I wish this were a happy post. I wish things could’ve turned out differently. But I do believe things happen for a reason. I believe God has a plan for my life. I don’t know what that plan is, but I know He will reveal it in time. Even as I grieve for my child, I do pray that God blesses us with a child(ren) one day. We would love to be parents, so we just pray that God hears us and allows us the privilege one day.

Well, that’s all I have for right now. To all of you who knew about this, let me just say thank you for your love and support. I cannot imagine how we’d get through this without you all. So thank you and we love you so much!!

-t

RIP Ava Simone Bates. Mommy and daddy love you so much! Now you’re with the angels in heaven at peace.

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6 thoughts on “Where Do I Begin?

  1. I can’t begin to express how hurt I am for you. I’ve never met you before but it doesn’t matter. We’re all humans together and I’m sorry you had to endure this tragedy. I’ll keep the three of you in prayer. 🙏🏽!!!!!! May peace and recovery be abundant for your family.

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