I Don’t Know…

what to call this post! *lol*

Hello! I haven’t been here in a minute. I haven’t reeeeally had much to share that was of interest, I suppose. I really thought I would be here, sharing away, but no. *lol* I guess when I started thinking about stuff to say, it all felt deeply personal. I’ve been journaling a lot, so that sort of has taken away from what I could be saying here. However, as I said, it’s all been more reflective thoughts and wasn’t really something I wanted to share here.

But. I’ll share something. It’s not quite what I journaled about, but it’s along the same vein. Since my last therapy session, I’ve been thinking about goals and how to get back on track. One goal from therapy was to actually set goals. I’ve been thinking about what is it that I really want to do in life. Now that I’m 40 (oh, I turned 40 a couple weeks ago!!), I just want to get more in tune with how I want to live from here on out. 

Even before I started therapy, my question has always been, “what do I want to do in life”? However, lately, I’ve been reading so many wonderful, positive and uplifting texts (e.g. Bible devotions, inspirational books, podcasts, Instagram accounts, etc) and I came across something new about finding purpose in life. I can’t remember the exact text I got this from, but it said

Instead of figuring out what you want to DO in life, consider who you want to BE.

I’ve never thought about pursuing my goals and purpose in this way. And when I think about it like that, it actually scares me a little. We go through life doing whatever we need to do to simply exist. I think a lot of us live on autopilot most times. I know my days used to look like this: wake up, go to work, come home, eat, watch tv, sleep and repeat. Some of us live similar lives, depending on if you have families or other things you have to take care of when you get home from work. But essentially, we move constantly in our spaces, just trying to make it to another day. 

With therapy, I’ve been able to release a lot of anxiety around not doing something in life. I’m sure I’ve addressed it many times in my therapy posts, so no need for me to re-hash it. However, with this recent “discovery” of thinking about who I want to be, I feel different. I know this is starting to sound a little airy-fairy/up-in-the-clouds, but I do feel like I want to consider being more than what I DO for a living. So maybe I lied. I guess I have wanted to consider making my life about who I am rather than what I did for a living. But I think I just repressed it heavily. In our society (and in our circles), we can be judgmental about how people live their lives when it’s not something we agree with. We can be particularly critical when that something goes against the status quo. Look at any reality star (hello, Kardashians) or with social media influencers (Youtubers, Instagram models).

I’m sure you’ve heard people say (or maybe you’ve said this), “Well those people aren’t doing it the right way!” But, what IS the right way? (Especially if you’ve tried things the “right way”.) I’ve been one of those people that has always wanted to work for myself (as a writer). So when I’ve heard statements like the above, it would give me anxiety. While some people get upset/defiant when they hear the whole, “they aren’t doing things the right way”, I would feel the opposite. I would feel like, “Yeah, who am I to think that I can make my dreams a reality. Who am I to think that I could actually work for myself when so many people don’t.”

Here’s what I have to say now: When people are living their lives on their terms, I can’t help but admire it. So as I think about what I want to be (or who I want to become), I feel strongly that I can figure it out. I haven’t felt this type of motivation about my life in a very long time. I guess it just took me hearing something in just the right way for it to click! 🙂

So that’s where I am. I’m dreaming BIG again! As I give who I want to be some thought, I’m working on some ideas. My t-shirt business needs a lotta love, so I’m working on revamping the shop. (Some of you that read here have purchased items and I just wanna send out a huge THANK YOU!!!) I think I’m going to focus on a ‘less is more’ approach and edit it down to a handful of items. I’m also brainstorming new ideas for shirts. I want to have a theme, I think? Maybe not a “theme”, but like… cohesion. Annnnnnd I have another venture I’m working on that is something I’m doing in honor of my sister that passed years ago. She always had an impeccable knack for interior design and she had a cool idea to feed that passion. She never got to pursue it and I think I want do it. No, I KNOW I want to because I loved the idea too and wanted to help her with it.

Both of these ventures are just ways for me to get busy again, as I open my mind to becoming the person God intended me to be.

I feel like I’ve come so far in the journey of reclaiming my thoughts! I’m so happy to be on a new journey for 2019 (and for my 40s!)

I’m cutting this right here. I intended to write more, but this blog has been sitting in my drafts for about two weeks…orrrr longer! *lol* I’ve really gotta get into that blog challenge so I can come here more often! 🙂

Later gators (hopefully sooner though!)