Setting goals. That’s my homework for my next appointment at the end of the month.
I touched upon this before, that I haven’t set real goals for myself in quite some time. It has been difficult to set AND keep them. So this homework will be a good challenge for me. I haven’t the slightest idea of what goals to set, but I have to figure it out relatively quickly. Maybe it’ll be a gym related goal, seeing as I am going to start back getting into the gym now. That’s another blog for another day.
So this session was…a little…I don’t know. Light? Repetitive? I hadn’t seen her in a month, so I wrote some stuff down that came up for me over time. But those issues ended up being things that I had discussed in some form before, so her advice to me was the same. Here are some of those issues:
- Goal setting and feeling like they’re pointless. [MUST work on this!!]
- Feeling a bit of sadness when I think about the future. (More on this below.)
- The need to be ON and prepared if something tragic happens.
I did have an epiphany of sorts, but I can’t even remember exactly how I phrased it. Therapy is hard at times because I’m talking, listening and processing all at once! I seriously need to take notes! *lol*
Well, we did talk about my mom again. In general, we were discussing my feelings about making progress in life / trying to move forward. I think my epiphany came up during this discussion. I think it had to do with realizing how much I’ve been living my life for her approval (and others). So I guess it wasn’t quite an epiphany, but more so that whatever I said, I said it out loud. And I said it in a way that I hadn’t it in previous sessions.
Have you ever had those moments, when you finally admit your problems out loud and it hits you like a ton of bricks? And you’re like whoa, how did I not know this!? Well, the truth is, you knew the problem all along, you just didn’t want to admit it. That was me this week!
Maybe I have been blind to how my mother affects me. Maybe not blind, per se. As a child, you obey your parents. As adults, we still do it, but in a different way. I guess I’ve been trying to be obedient and listen to my mom’s advice all these years, but I knew some of it wasn’t for me. But I didn’t want to hurt her by not following it. However, someone still got hurt. 😦
I think that’s the gist of my epiphany. I said it out loud that I’ve been hurt by trying to be a good daughter by listening to my mom. And it hurts me to even say it, but I can’t continue to try to live life according to her ways. I know it doesn’t make sense that I feel hurt. It just comes from a place of not wanting to let her down and wanting to be a good daughter, etc. Even as I get ready to turn 40 this year, I still feel obligated to heed and obey my parents. (Let me be real, it’s really just my mom who I feel this obligation to. My dad and I are typically on the same page and he gets me.) It’s…weird saying that I feel obligated to obey my parents, but it’s what I feel. Maybe it stems from guilt? Guilt from things I’ve done in the past as a teenager? Perhaps…perhaps. And I didn’t do anything “crazy” or illegal! *lol* I just wanna be clear about that! 🙂 I did typical teenage sh*t. I had a boyfriend WAY too early and things happened… you know… things! And I got in trouble for those things, was forbidden to see him and STILL found a way to see him. That was it. Other than that, I was a pretty good kid.
I’m rambling, so I’m gonna cut this short. I’m in fix mode now…just trying to take all of my therapist’s words and apply them so I can manage the anxiety/worry/fear/etc.
Outside of my therapy, I’ve been reading a lot about mindfulness, meditation and trying to seek sources that pertain to positivity and pushing through difficult moments. I am definitely still reading my daily Bible devotionals, which are usually my go-to’s when I start feeling anxious/worried. But I have a slew of books I want to buy/read that deal with anxiety, so I’m going to try to focus on that this summer. I have a couple already, so maybe I’ll share some insight from them here at some point.
My main goal for the rest of this year is to stay PRESENT! Stop thinking of the future and dwelling on the past. Such a challenge, but I need to work on it daily.
Alrighty, that’s it. Sorry for any typos. I just did my nails and they are really long, so I’m trying to adjust to typing again. *lol*